Chapter 4 – Boat Ride

I’ve often compared myself to Jonah. I run away, God brings me back. Over and over…

For quite some time, I’ve been happy sitting in the boat while the storm rages, the sun sets, the days come and the days go. I curl up at the bottom of the boat and let the rocking waves put me to sleep. I’m not alone. God is near. He is all around me. I have no fear, I know the battle is won.  Nevertheless, while the bottom of the boat is cozy as can be, it’s not where I belong.

Lots has changed since the last time I’ve written. I am married, I am pregnant, I am right where I said I never wanted to be again.. in the center of church politics. I am happy, I am blessed.

The weeks roll by like passing thunder clouds and I question the reason for my existence. I always thought I knew what I was suppose to do in this life but now that concept is out of focus.

How does one go from the bottom of the boat, safe to stepping out into the water? Surely when Jonah was in the belly of the whale, he was not thinking… “good thing I turned myself in!”

Recently, a job opportunity arose, truly a dream job. An personal assistant to one of heroes. I applied but then declined the interview due to a pay decrease. I’m wrestling with the idea that I didn’t get out of the boat… or did I? What does it really look like to get out of the boat?

I’ve found my identity, I know who I am and who God says I am. My calling… ? Not sure. I know I’m called to more than the life I lead. I’m not talking about standing on stage preaching, writing music that changes the world… so on. I’m talking about the day to day.. in and out calling.

Am I the wife, step-mom, friend, the sister, daughter, co-worker that I am called to be? Absolutely not. Maybe getting out of the boat, taking a step of faith doesn’t look like what I envision in my head. Maybe getting out of the boat and following my calling looks like making sure my sisters know I how much I care about them each week with a simple call. Possibly being a better friend means actually texting people back. Maybe not wearing “busy” as a badge of honor and actually making time to see the people around me… looking at them when they talk to me.

What does it look like for you to get out of the boat, away from your safe spot and step into the person you were called to be?

Chapter 3 – Quicksand

I have avoided writing this chapter as I knew from the beginning chapter 3 was about love. I see my days numbered like quick sand. They go so quickly, how do I possibly live or love when all I can see if the days just disappearing in front of me? In the distance, far away, I see a rock. In my head, this is where God is. Now let you remind you, I grew up in the church… I believe all the things they tell you. “You are a daughter of the King.” “He so loved the world”  “..that he gave his only Son.” “You have access to the Kingdom.” You know the basic Christian He loves you, lingo.

I’ve had that ahh-ha moment where I knew God loved me and I was completely surrendered to Him. He was my greatest love, passion, friend and King. God was my everything from the time I was a small girl, and everyone around me knew it. It was not surprise that in high school they called me “barbie” – just once in a mean Facebook post, and I was fully deserving and “that Christian girl.”

Somewhere along the way I realized I can love till I’m black and blue but, I don’t know how to be loved. I never understood the distance I felt between myself and people I loved. I just thought loving God from the quick sand while He was on His rock, was as good as it got, for me.

I’m not there yet. I don’t see myself walking to the rock. At this point, I’m taking in the idea. How do you join a God, the King, the Creator of the world on His rock.

That’s rude!!!

The truth is, it’s not rude. He wants this relationship with me.

This whole concept boils down to my everyday life. My sweet boyfriend has done everything to make me feel like a princess. He is the most charming, kind and sweet man. After 4 years of dating, I still have a hard time letting him buy me anything. I physically don’t know how to accept his love. He mows the lawn and I cry. I don’t know how to be loved.

God isn’t the only one on the rock. I put myself in the quicksand and everyone around me tries to love me but I don’t let them.

It’s cold by myself. Lonely and well, sandy.

The problem is, I am not alone. I have a beautiful God on a fancy rock waiting for me.

Chapter Two – Mindset

As I get older, I learn more about myself and the way I think. The more I learn the less I am impressed with myself.

Let me expound:

When I go to a new restaurant, I immediately take into account their location, parking,  the type of customers, I look for the person in charge, I look at the floor, wall decor and notice employees. I take into account the feel of the atmosphere and the noise. By the time I’ve left the restaurant I’ve calculated the average amount people they serve a day and the average amount each person is likely to pay for a meal. I subtracted the cost of employee wages, energy, food. etc. I’ve also calculated the amount of money lost by the location, parking, employees, waiting time.

I’m afraid for so many years I’ve blamed the church for being like a business. A similarity I could not morally handle. As I grow and learn myself, I now know that it is simply just how I think. I made church a business. A place where you work hard to someday be placed into the “calling” you were made for.

I was “called” from a young age. And by young, I mean as far back as I can remember I knew I was made for something different. This doesn’t mean my calling is any better or worse. It’s just my own and God gave me glimpses as a little girl of what it could look like. My reaction was to take my life seriously. Too seriously.

My parents stewarded my calling the best they knew how. And the best they knew how was just shy of putting one of those kid backpacks on me with a leash attached. But trust me, there were times I ran as hard as I could away from them but you give an Irish father and Mexican mother a rope and tell them to hang on, You’re not going ANYWHERE!

So picture me.. a girl knowing she was called, loves Jesus. Has received a prophetic word from every prophet out there all saying the same thing. Sits in the 3rd phew every Sunday morning, Sunday night. Wednesday night, and Thursday night. First one to get there, last one to leave. Over and over, for years. I was the youth leader, the janitor, on the worship team and drama team. I was under leadership for a few years where I was taught about serving. While it was a good message there was an underlying tone of serving to work for your calling. Also know as preformance.

I carried it with me for years. All through my time in both ministry school and even after in my heart. Church was not a family. God’s calling on my life was not a beautiful thing. Honestly, this is still not worked out completely in my heart. I still am not convinced of it’s beauty.

I have a business mindset and I saw the church as a business when it’s so much more.

Seeing what I did and being through what I’ve been through with that mindset caused me to build a wall so high no one could get in but more importantly, no one could see me.

Chapter One – Cold

I always pictured myself writing a book. I could see myself just hours after the book released, sitting across from Oprah discussing the details as we sipped champagne out large glasses.

I started writing a book a few years ago titled, “From the Third Pew.” I only made it to the third chapter before I realized, I didn’t know who my audience was.  The book was about my life growing up with parents deeply rooted in ministry and the things I experienced. Reflecting back to the book makes me cringe as I realize my main theme was, I HATE CHURCH POLITICS.  Which is still true. However, I have come to terms with my past and the thing we call “church.”

I grew up feeling something most people search their whole lives to feel. There was a warmness inside me. A fulfillment unlike any other. This yellowness – if you will – filled me from the darkest places of my being and crashed into the world around me. I didn’t know there was any other way to feel. Of course, I felt pain, shame, saddens, and loss but nothing could take away the warmth. It was almost daily that I would wake up to the sunshine and I would start singing even before my eyes opened,

“In the morning when I rise, in the morning when I rise, In the morning when I rise, give me Jesus..”

2011 I graduated high school with not much promise of a higher education. My dream of being a MD was not in the cards for a girl with a learning disability everyone and even myself, assumed had a few crayons missing from the box. I convinced myself all I wanted to do for the rest of my life was be in ministry. Why? Possibly because that’s what everyone around me told me I was suppose to do, or maybe I really loved teaching and leading. Either way, I pursued it.

A few years in, I was personal assistant to the Bethel Church’s youth pastor. Service director of the youth department and had completed a IHOP-KCMO internship and 2 years of Bethel School Of Ministry. I was a volunteer, and Sunday school teacher and everything in between. I had given my life to serving. Until one day, I called quits.

This wasn’t a sweet goodbye and “we wish you the best Audrey.” I sat down with my leaders and said, I’m done. The reasons why I  left only a few people know.

The weeks, months and years that followed were dark. They were cold…